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Have you ever wanted someone to stand up for you in an argument? Do you wish that the person you care for and respect so much would treat you the way you deserve to be treated? So often we look for someone else to defend our honor, maybe even to whisk us away -- white horse included -- from our current predicament.
This past week I met with two coaching clients looking to move into a better work environment. The first, Pam, began her “dream job” but soon found herself speechless as her employer, who had become her best friend, transformed into a verbally abusive nightmare of a boss. Robert, the second client, did not agree with how his boss wanted to bill clients. However, since he was raised not to talk back, he reluctantly followed his boss’s orders. A few weeks later senior leadership accused him of unethical behavior. He resigned on the spot without defending or explaining his actions.
Both Pam and Robert are smart, accomplished and strong when it comes to defending others -- especially their children. However, this was not the first time they had not defended themselves. Indeed, they had repeatedly chosen the easiest short-term solution by staying silent. Unfortunately, repeated short-term silence leads to long-term dissatisfaction.
Have you ever felt like it was easier to stay silent, especially when your feelings were hurt? Have you ever been afraid to voice your objection when someone crossed a boundary? Was there a time you did not have the courage to confidently define how you expected to be treated? Seeking someone to rescue you, to be your hero, will not solve the problem. Using verbal language to express your feelings and expectations is the one sure way to gain results. The hero you are seeking -- to defend you and demand the relationships you desire -- is inside of you. Your hero’s strength is what I call “speaking your truth.”Speaking your truth does not come from a place of judgment, anger or ego. You are simply standing up for yourself -- not insisting that you are right and they are wrong. It does not express negativity towards someone else. Instead, speaking your truth honors and respects your feelings. Because it is authentic, it may leave you feeling vulnerable, though. When was the last time you said, “I get scared when you are angry?” Now that takes courage! Being your own hero includes defining your boundaries with conviction, such as, “It is not okay to call me names. If you don’t stop, I will not continue this conversation.”
Speaking your truth takes practice, just like riding a bike. To start, try one or both of the following exercises:
Defend the Child
Find a childhood picture of yourself. Embrace the concept that this child is still a part of you and needs to be protected. Look deeply into the child’s eyes and let her know that she deserves to be protected. She deserves to be treated with respect, her boundaries defined and honored. Declare that from this day forward you will protect this child, this vulnerable part of you. From this day forward you will practice authentically expressing your feelings, and standing up for that part of you that is pure and good.
Commune with Your Warrior Goddess
The ability to stand up for yourself is easiest when you are connected to the fire within, otherwise known as your inner “warrior goddess.” Because all people share masculine and feminine qualities, this exercise can work for women and men alike. I know “warrior goddess” may sound cheesy (okay, perhaps it is), but hear me out.
The “warrior” term speaks to the fire -- the take-no-prisoners internal fight needed to overcome the fears holding you back from expressing yourself fully. The “goddess,” often associated with love or healing, balances the warrior to reflect the part of your spirit that will stand up for good, love, and equality in an unbalanced relationship.
In order to connect with your warrior goddess, recall a time when you felt strong and powerful while also calm and peaceful. Were you hiking a mountain? Were you having a powerful parenting moment or defending someone who was in the minority? Transforming a friend through a strong, yet loving, conversation? Consider what your body felt like. Where was your focus and what were your emotions?
Then the next time you walk into an uncomfortable conversation, embody these feelings Pull on this strength to remain strong. With the power of your warrior goddess behind you, courageously voice your boundaries and emotions while remaining in a peaceful state so as not to attack the other person.
So the next time you want someone to come rescue you, call up your warrior goddess or protect your inner child or both. Speak your truth in a confident and authentic way, and you will find that your hero has arrived – and she looks a lot like you!
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Danielle Johnson Crowley, founder and president of The Leading Vision, is a certified executive coach, motivational speaker and author with the mission to create positive, highly effective work environments by developing engaged, passionate leaders. She helps clients achieve deep self-awareness; align choices, intentions and strengths; and create ongoing practices to attain and sustain their goals.
Visit The Leading Vision at , or email Danielle at danielle
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