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Have you ever noticed yourself agreeing to things you don’t want to do? Do you find yourself making personal promises or taking on projects or tasks that don’t align with your schedule, skills or goals? “No” is a word that many of us have a hard time saying. It is also a word that successful people have mastered! Which group do you fall into?
You may say “Rubbish! I have a loving family and am successful in my work even if I can’t always say no.” The thing is, if you are not able to confidently allow “no” to roll off your tongue in every situation, then someone else is determining how you spend your time and the direction in which you focus your energy. Ultimately, this means other people are in control of your life.If Suzanne desperately asks you to lead the bake sale next week and you are not able to say no (goodness, you already have 100 things planned this week!), Suzanne just determined a large portion of your life for the next week. Rinse and repeat week after week and your life plans, both big and small, have been diverted. Learning to say no with confidence and conviction enables you to focus your energy to move your life forward on the path you want. Have you noticed the way successful people have mastered saying no? It may be gentle and polite but still powerful by allowing them to control where their energy goes.
Of course there are things in life we do even though we don’t want to. Remember when you lost the fight over eating broccoli, way back when? How about the time you went to the sports game or shopping with your significant other when you truly had better things to do? As adults sometimes we do things we don’t want, but what I am talking about is different: a chronic inability to say no delves deeper than just doing something we don’t want to. Embracing, loving, cuddling up with the word “no” is about putting your wants, needs and desires above other people – not in a selfish way, but in a self-respecting way.
In order to fully manage your commitments and embrace “no,” you must hold one key point in mind: The request and the requestor are two separate things. By saying no to Suzanne’s request, you are not rejecting Suzanne; you are merely declining her request to run the bake sale. You have the right to say no. Let me repeat that statement: You have the right to say no. Why? Because your needs are important, your goals are important, and your time is important.
In your response, aim to be sympathetic and clear. While being mean is never cool, there may be times where you need to be firm in your response. Others may not agree with your priorities (What do you mean you want to spend time with your family rather than do what is important to me?), so when you respond, exude confidence in your answer by making eye contact and holding a straight back. Here are two phrases to get you started: 1. I have a lot on my plate right now and I won’t be able to volunteer with school fundraisers this year. 2. I can’t take on any additional responsibilities this week, but please ask again for the next fundraiser.
Take control of your time, gain more balance in your life, honor yourself, and protect your money by confidently declining requests. If saying no is challenging, role-play with a friend to bolster your courage and smooth out the rough edges of how you will decline the next invitation to do something you really don't want. Spend some time contemplating and journaling what you fear will happen if you declined a request.
What will you do with yourself now that you are in control of your life again?
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Danielle Johnson Crowley, founder of The Leading Vision, is a performance and leadership coach for professionals. Visit The Leading Vision at to sign up for her content-rich, value-filled newsletter and receive a free “Six Secrets to Workplace Success” audio.